Dear Vampires: Bite Me

Dear Vampires,

Damn, you guys are everywhere! Sure, we all got into The Lost Boys, Interview with the Vampire, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but not nearly as hardcore as people now seem to be into True Blood, Twilight, and Vampire Diaries.

It's not just that people are into Vampires, either: now lots of people want those vampires to get into them, if you know what I'm saying. (Wink!) Girls are dying to do it with you. Literally, I mean, if they do it with you they'll probably die 'cause you'll suck their blood n' stuff, right? And I thought hickies were a nuisance! You dudes seem like a real pain in the neck. (You're probably wondering at this point, "Giulia, just how many bad vampire jokes can one writer make?" The answer is way too many, and if I run out I'll just reVAMP old jokes.)

Call me old fashioned, but I'm still attracted to the vampires of yesteryear — like the delicious Count Chocula:

And, of course, there's the dashing patriarch, Grandpa Munster:

Last, but certainly not least, there's the intellectual Count von Count, aka The Count from Sesame Street, who's deep voice very very closely resembles that of my immigrant Italian mother:

You knew what you were getting these guys. They didn't play games. They wore their hearts on their sleeves — or, rather, on their capes, which they wore to clearly indicate "Hey, look at me, I'm a vampire!" They didn't woo you, trick you, and try to get you back to their place so it could be like, "Boom! By the way, I'm a vampire, and now I'm going to suck your blood!" That's kinda like, "Boom! I've got herpes!" Moooooooood killer! (People always yell boom! before breaking big news, right?)

Well, my desirable little Draculas, enjoy the spotlight while you have it. As long as that spotlight isn't sunlight. (Can I get a hell yeah? Who's wit' me? Where my nocturnal, fanged friends at?)

I'm just excited for the next big thing, which must be an inevitable comeback for werewolves. I mean, all that fur? How sexy was Teen Wolf when he did this dance:

Love always,

Giulia