Facebook: Do's and Don'ts of Online Relationships

Facebook is the frat party you dreaded going to in college. You know it's going to be ugly. You know it’s going to be creepy. You know you're going to stay way too long or do things you'll probably regret. But you have to be there because, well, everyone else is there and you don't want to be left out of the fun. And, right now, with more of us unemployed than ever before in recent years, this is getting to be one huge frat party.

But, just like a hook-up in the bathroom of Alpha Omega Douchea, Facebook has the power to both build and destroy your relationships. How? Because humans + social networking + the interwebs = idiotic shamelessness.  Add to that the fact that the recession is causing us to go out less and go online more, and those evenings you once spent checking the hot spots for a potential mate are now spent on Facebook perusing your connections for hot friends and potential cyber crushes. Just because it's free doesn't mean that the things you do on Facebook aren't going to cost you something.

Before you know it, you're spending hours online uploading "hot" profile pics—I'm sorry, but everyone looks good when taking a photo of themselves shooting from above—and crafting what you think are clever status updates. "Teresa Johnson knows it's cold outside but at least I'm still hot. LOL! ROTFLMAO!" Perhaps this will lure love your way or maybe make your ex implode with jealousy? Think again. Really all it does is make you look like an asshole. A sad, un-dateable asshole. But don't feel bad; we've all engaged in profile faux pas and it's not to late to take your online persona from annoying to awesome.

Just follow these easy steps to keep Facebook from wrecking your relationships or from keeping romance out of your real life (aka "reasons why the technology gods invented a delete button"):

1. Stop the stalking. Now.
A Metro Life Panel reported that 76% of 937 people surveyed have stalked an ex on Facebook or MySpace. And I have a feeling that percentage is probably higher, either because not everyone is able to admit to their stalking behavior or they don’t consider checking their ex’s photo uploads every 30 minutes “stalking.”

Look, don't feel bad if you’ve fallen victim to OCDFB, or Obsessive Creepy Diddling on Facebook (yes, I just made that acronym up).  Facebook makes it waaaay too easy not only to keep track of your ex, but also to keep track of your new boyfriend / girlfriend / wife / husband, your new crush, your ex's new significant other, and / or the exes of your new boyfriend / girlfriend / wife / husband. (Honestly, I’m surprised I'm even able to write this considering the temptation of the sheer number of people I could be stalking right now!)

If you're in a relationship and yet instead of spending Saturday nights with your sweetie, you’re spending Saturday night analyzing what her / his ex really meant when they wrote,  "Hey bud, how are you?"  in their wall post, or if you're not in a relationship and instead of spending Saturday nights going out and having fun you’re spending Saturday nights analyzing ways to send your ex a message by writing "Hey bud, how are you?" on their wall, you need to stop. Cyber stalking just creates drama, disillusions, and potentially the reputation that you are a complete nut-job. The next time you find yourself OCDFB-ing, log off, walk away from the laptop, and turn that loony energy into some self-loving energy. Put the focus on you and not on Facebook and you’ll see what wonderful relationships you’ll develop both with your real friends and with yourself.

2. Stop with the Typing. NOW!
OK, so you just got dumped. DO NOT put that fact immediately in your Facebook status. OK, so you hate your ex. DO NOT put that feeling immediately in your Facebook status. OK, so you feel lonely, hopeless, depressed, and you don’t think you’ll ever find love again. DO NOT put those feelings in your Facebook status. I could keep going with the examples, but you get the gist here.

Even though Facebook (and Twitter, for that matter) encourages you to share "what you are doing right now," that doesn't mean you really have to share what you are always doing, especially if what you’re doing is still plotting a way to get revenge against that guy you dated for three weeks last summer.

It's tacky and unattractive to use your Facebook status updates as a plea for sympathy. Look I understand that "Carol is sitting at home crying about Ben cheating on her" but did you ever think maybe "Ben" cheated on Carol, cause Carol was a big loser who desperately sought attention by spilling her personal information all over the interwebs and never left her computer desk? 

It's not just status updates that get used to get the pity party started, either. Oh no no no no no, there are lots of ways to get your cyber friends to feel bad for you, like changing your relationship status. If your relationship status is set to "It's complicated," I'm sorry, but you’re probably not really in a relationship. Or, at least, you’re the only one who thinks you in the relationship. Or by sharing your "25 Random Things About Me" note and making all 25 of those things about how many times you’ve had your heart broken, those 25 things aren’t random at all. They're actually very deliberately thought out, and make you look desperate. Honestly, if we don’t already know those 25 deeply meaningful things about you, then we probably aren’t that good of friends, anyhow.

So, please: practice the art of privacy and discretion. If you’re really sad about a breakup, call your friends. Don’t share your pain via status updates filled with frowny faces with all your "friends" on Facebook. Whining about your break-up online isn’t going to make your ex feel so bad for you that he/she will come crawling back, it’s just going to make your ex and every other man/woman you're connected to online want to run away, far far away.  (So will that profile pic of old photos of you and him/her kissing from when you were together. Seriously dude, move on already).

3. What happens online might just stay online.
Facebook is awesome for reconnecting and keeping in touch with old friends, family, and co-workers.  It's fabulous for promoting events and projects. Facebook can even be great for meeting people romantically. Just maybe, you'll find your high school sweetheart on Facebook and meet up to rekindle your relationship, or you'll find somebody totally new, start chatting online, and then go out a date. I've heard tell of these things actually happening, and I think it’s adorable. However, if that romance doesn’t leave your computer screen, you’ve got a problem.

Just because you "poked" a girl on Facebook doesn't always translate to "poking" her in real life.  Sure, she may have commented that you were “super cute” in that sweet-looking photo you posted of yourself in your baseball uniform at age 10, but that doesn’t mean she's in love with you. People can be flirty and fun online, but unless you take the relationship offline, it's not a relationship. If your contact never goes beyond engaging in a game of Scramble together, chances are you’re never going to get engaged for real.

Besides, a person's online personality could be completely different offline. It’s a lot easier to share retouched photos and quirky comments than to reveal who you really are in person. Before you announce to your parents that you're officially in love, make sure you meet the person in person first. Anyone can combine a "<" with a "3" and think they've just shared their heart online, but it's just not the same.

4. Facebook is for fun, and that's it.
Now that I've scolded you about the psychotic no-no's of letting your life play out via a social networking site, let’s talk about the good stuff.

Facebook can be great for sharing affection. Who doesn't love getting a nice comment on their photos or receiving a sweet (and private) message? Even a free song dedication or a silly little cyber gift can be a cute and free sentiment to your sweetie, just don't confuse that a virtual set of diamond earrings with a real birthday gift. Remember, Facebook is meant to be fun not another venue for driving yourself (and those around you) crazy. Don’t stalk, don't spill too much, and don’t substitute cyber interaction for human interaction, and you and your love life should be just fine.

My Facebook profile is listed under my name, "Giulia Rozzi," if you want to stare at my photos and pretend we are in love. I would never scold you for that.

Copyright 2009 Shoestring, LLC.