Working Stiffs: Office Party Survival Guide

By now, you've probably already attended most of your holiday gatherings. You've eaten so many sugar cookies and downed so much eggnog that the once-fabulous frock you bought for New Year's Eve is already two sizes too tight. You've seen the Facebook pics proving that you did, indeed, drunkenly straddle the inflatable Santa while sexy dancing to Mariah Carey’s Christmas hits. And maybe, just maybe, you've awoken one morning wondering how the hell you got so much tinsel in your panties. Ah yes, 'tis the season for stupid, certainly-not-sober, stuffing-your-face celebrating.

But here's the thing about all these merry mixers: what happens at the holiday party never stays at the holiday party. (Yes, gyrating that plastic St. Nick was hilarious, but how could you not know that the pics of that holiday hump were going to end up online?) Especially if the bulk of your holiday gatherings are work/career related, the things you do at the company cocktail hour may (read: will) come back to haunt you.

So how do you stay cool while rocking the yule? Here are our tips, for this year or for next:

#1: Watch Out For Open Bar
Please, as a starving artist I have one hell of a hard time saying no to free alcohol. However, your work holiday party is not the best place to get blasted. Throughout my professional career, I've attended workplace holiday parties for every type of job, from formal corporate offices to wild comedy clubs. (To be honest, the place I witnessed the worst drunkards have been office parties—those accountants really know how to get loose!) And yet, at none of those parties would it be considered okay to get falling down, pants off, food coming back up, drunk. (Actually it's really not okay for anyone to get that drunk.) Even at the holiday party for a bar at which I cocktail waitressed, it was not okay to get totally hammered. (This year, one employee got so drunk he got fired. A bar employee got fired for being too drunk! How is that possible?) Because no matter what a champ you think you are, too much alcohol makes everyone act like an asshole. That punch may make you finally punch an annoying co-worker in the face (this has never happened to me, although I'm sure it could.) That shot of tequila may give you the courage to take a shot at telling your boss you have a crush on him (this has never happened to me, but, again, I'm sure it could.) Or that fourth dirty martini may make you cry, get sick, lose your new camera, scream at people because you lost your camera, and then attempt to take a nap on the dance floor (okay, this one did happen to me). So yes, have a drink, or two, or three, but save the keg stands and the flip cups for another time (like college reunions.)

#2: Don't Put The Ho in Holiday
Look at you. You're wearing your new green sequined halter dress, red pumps, and jingle bell earrings, and you feel foxy. Or you're a cool dude rocking a "hilarious" ugly holiday sweater and a headband with mistletoe dangling from it and you feel ironic and irresistible.  All that booze I told you not to drink is making you feel super frisky. You scour the party to find the lucky guy or gal to deck your halls. You spot the winner, have a sloppy make-out session with said co-worker, and maybe even take him/her home for an evening of awkward intercourse followed by awkward small talk the morning after. You regret the hook-up immediately. You never want to see him/her ever again. But wait, you two didn't just share a night of meaningless sex, you also share a cubical. Doh!

Now, normally I'm not one to stop a love affair. If you think you can handle the repercussions of your sexy actions, then go for it! If you're cool with seeing your one-night stand at the copy machine, at the water cooler, at the big company-wide meeting, then do it up. Who knows maybe a Pam/Jim Office romance will come of your shenanigans. (Lots of folks fall in love at work.) But, and this is a big BUT, if you know that hooking up with a coworker is going to make you feel weird then don't do it. (Note: I am writing this article sober. I have a feeling that if you and I were drunk at a holiday party and you asked me if you should bang Brad from the art department I would say "hell yea!", and hence why we all have to stick to tip #1.)

#3: Put the Sugar Cookies Down
I know, I know: You're thinking, "If I can't get drunk, and I can't have sex, what can I do to have fun at the festivities this year? EAT!"

Of course you should enjoy holiday treats. Keyword: enjoy. I didn't say hoard, binge, or attack. Enjoy some treats. While this isn't so much of a workplace faux pas, it's simply good common sense for surviving the season. It's hard to say no to all the delicousness that attacks our tastebuds this time of year, but too many of us use the holidays as an excuse to be totally unhealthy. Again, yes, you should enjoy yourself, but be sure not to hurt yourself and hurt all the hard working out you've done all year (you are working out and taking care of yourself, right?). Be sure to eat a little something before you go to your parties so that you're not scarfing the dessert table. And please, PLEASE do not steal from holiday party buffets. (I have, in fact, seen this done by some of my superiors at certain offices I've worked, and it's weird and tacky, tacky, tacky.)

#4: Stop Talking Shop
Sure, work parties can be great networking events, but please stop running through your resume for anyone who'll listen. (This is the worst, I mean the worst, at comedy and acting parties I've attended. It's a party, not an audition.) Unless of course you're hoping to win the role of world's biggest douchebag, in which case then my friend you've got the part! Holiday parties are supposed to be a hard earned break from work, so keep work at work and let the holiday party be a place to have some fun. (Yea, you’re probably wondering how to fun after Tips 1 through 3. Moderation, my friend. Moderation.)

#5 Ignore These Tips
While I sincerely think getting tanked, screwing the entire IT dept, gaining 20 pounds, and talking incessintly about yourself at holiday parties isn't the most professional way to behave, I also know we're animals. We're animals that sometimes get a little blue over the holiday season and it's only these shitshow soirees that make having no money to buy gifts and no one to kiss as the ball drops on New Year's Eve a little easier to deal with. The holiday party can be a shining star on your shitty tree of a year, and who am I to tell you to make your wild holiday party a lame silent night? So, consider my tips, but really do what you gotta do. And if you feel so inclined, feel free to invite me along! I mean, I'm a freelancer, which means my boss is me, and luckily my boss doesn't care how wild I get.

Copyright 2008 Shoestring, LLC.